Obviously some light housekeeping:
Today
Activity: Blogging with the Bestie!
Activity Prompt: What are your five sexiest songs and why?
Alone or with partners: With my bestie!!!
Drink and snack with activity: Polar seltzer and key lime pie baar. No booze today!
Physical activities log
Morning ab routine
5 ab roller rolls: Yes
Blogilates morning abs: No- Starting Dec. 30th
Quarter mile walk every hour on the hour, 10-5:
10: Yes
11: Yes
12: Yes
1: Yes
2: No (shopping)
3: No (driving)
4: No (Driving)
5: No (driving)
5PM Two Mile Walk: STARTING IN MARCH
Weighted walking: No - Starting Dec. 30th
Shoulder shrugs during the day: Yes
MON, WED, FRI
45 minutes of PB: No - Starting Dec. 30th
TUE, THUR
45 minutes of cycling: No - Starting Dec. 30th
45 minutes of weight lifting: No - starting Dec. 30th
Macros
Carbs: 18/23
Fat: 161/144
Protein: 92/116
Calories: 1966/1850
When Amber picked this topic, I was so fucking excited to talk about the songs that crank my yearn button up to a twenty. I have so many songs that I either find exceptionally sexy, or associate with great sex, that I immediatly assumed this was an endless well I could tap without diffiulty.
Cue difficulty.
I asked Amber if we should rank these and she said she was going to, but my struggle is how to rankthem. They are not on an equal playing field of sexiness, and aside from my top song, I have no fucking clue how to rank these. Well. I will give it the ol' college try.
At the top, there is no other way to start this list than with the song that I think is, bar none, the fucking sexiest song in the entire fucking world.
Duran Duran's Come Undone
Amber and I are sitting and listening to our respective songs with our headphones on. he second this song started, I broke out in goosebumps. This song is not a slow burn in the slightest sense, it is instantly fucking hot.The synthy slinkiness runs over me like ink. I is slippery, tactile, and sexy. Simon LeBon has this...I don't know how to describe it....desperae lilt to both the lower register he sings in for the main verses, then he escalates during the bridge, and pushes into what I can only describe as a crescendo of desire. There is something so fucking full of desire about the way he sings the lyrics "who do you need/who do you love/when you come undone". There is every possibility that this song has nothing to do with sex, but I have always associated it with sex. When I talk about wanting to be desired, the feeling that fills my body when I hear this song is exactly how I want other people to feel about me when they see me. It's needy, it's desperate, it's angsty, and it makes me want to fuck everything in sight.
I used to have this teal and black lace thong. It was my favorite thong to wear when I would take sexy pictures for anybody. I used to put on that thong, put on Come Undone, and get in the most intensely sexy mood.
It is worth mentioning that not all of my memories of this song are sexy. When Allen and I were together, I was telling him about how I sang the lyrics incorrectly for a really long time...the girl who sings backup vocals sings a line, I have no fucking idea what she's actually saying, but in my ears, she's always been saying, "cannot believe you're breaking my heart/at the seams/cannot believe you're taking my heart to Egypt". Allen and I would sing that each other, loudly and with zero seriousness, all the time. Which in and of itself is very sexy.
I suppose next we'll go with:
Portishead's Glorybox
What is there to even say about this song except it fills my vagina with sexual ennui? It is exceptionally hard to marry frustrated sadness with incredibly silky sensuality, but Portishead fucking nails it. There is something about the way Beth Gibbons sings this song that makes my heart ache and my clit tingle, what the fuck. I have spoken at length about how Dan and I were not sexually compatible, and largely this is true.
However.
There were a handful of times where dude laid shit down RIGHT. I was at Dan's apartment, we were watching something together, there had been no touching, no kissing, no anything as a precursor, we were just sitting next to each other on the couch. I got up to get something, I can't recall what, and I heard Dan come up behind me, he said, "babe" and then he grabbed me by the waist, gently but forcefully pushed me into the wall, and started kissing me. We fumbled our way toward his bedroom in a tangled mess of limbs, removing as much of each other's clothes as we could manage without interrupting our lips touching hatever skin of ours was bare enough to kiss. We never did make it to his bedroom, we ended up fucking right in the hallway between his kitchen and the bedroom. There is no sexual encounter I've had that matches the raw urgency and the pure lust of that hallyway sex, but I remember reflecting on it later and being inundated wih such a profound sadness that I was so deeply in love with someone who would never, ever, ever love me back. That feeling...the lust and the grief and the ache blending into one strange, desperate sensation that hid behind my ribs like a thief resonates through every single note of this song every time I hear it.
It makes my vagina confused.
This next song is a different kind of sexy, and I swear I can fucking hear the judgment, but hear me out.
Dave Matthews' Band - Say Goodbye
My journey through my own queerness is something that makes me wistful. When I talk about my experiences with femmes, I am very sure to make sure everyone I'm talking to knows that I am not unexperienced with femmes, but I AM unexperienced with femmes for me in a way that's honest. Every single sexual encounter I've had with a femme has been couched in pleasing a man. "Straight men think it's so hot when straight women are sexy gay, right? So if this really hot blonde and I go fingerbang it out in the bathroom at Tony's real quick, it's for men." I have had at least a dozen interactions with femmes that wen down exactly like this. A threesome for my friend's birthday at the Imperial Palace and cumming twice when she ate me out was for the eager ears of my male lovers to fantasize about, it wasn't actually about wanting her or being queer. The really cute girl I made out with at Phantom Canyon wasn't cute to me, right? She was cute for stories that would make men think about me with another woman while they were jerking off.
I never let myself be with femmes for me, and I think that is one of the great travesties of my queerness. I engaged with it under cover of fantasy, just not my own. Interestingly, this is part of why I am so closed-lipped now about my sexual interactions with femmes. I am keeping them for me, because I want to take ownership of them back. I am so proudly queer now, and my only regret is not being able to be louder about it from the second I understood my attraction to all genders, at age 14. And also my full on secret girlfriend.
I had a friend that I spent a lot of time with. She and I lived a few hours from each other, we hung out once a month and we would spend the weekend together. She had a boyfriend at the time, but he was long distance, and their relationship was primarily over zoom. Not zoom. What were we using at the time? Vonage, I think. Video calling with Vonage. One of the first times I went over to her house, we were doing a video call with her boyfriend and he asked if we eveer had like, cutesy little make out sessions. Like girls do at sleepovers. We were like, girls don't do that at sleepovers. And he was like, well you should! And he asked us to kiss, so we were like, yeah, ok. And just gave each other a quick peck. He begged us a little bit tto kiss more passionately and for longer, so we kind of giggled nervously and she was like, I'm game if you are. And I felt somehing surge in the pit of my stomach for her right in that moment. Something that had maybe been there all along, and I didn't notice, or I ignored it, but it was suddenly very present. I nodded quietly and then we were kissing for quite some time under the watchful gaze of her long distance boyfriend. I don't remember who pulled away from who, it isn't really important, but I remember the way she looked at me when we were done kissing, and I had never longed for another girl like that before. It is a deeply bittersweet memory, because all of the shyness and joy and excitement in that moment was so shimmery and beautiful, and I buried it under a deep shame. Later that night, we snuggled together and ate homemade empanadas, and laughed about how long we had kissed each other. She told me I was a really good kisser, though, and I remember buzzing over the compliment. I wanted to kiss her more, so I said anytime she wanted to impress her boyfriend, we couold always kiss again. So she kissed me again and it was youthful and sweet and strange. I was 19, and while I had secretly known I was queer, somewhere deep in my heart, I had never acted on it because I was afraid and ashamed. And our next few weekends wn kind of the same way. We would take sexy photos of each other, we would make out for hours, and then we would snuggle together to go to sleep. I was with my oldes's dad, and she had her boyfriend, but I do think there was something far more intimate to our relationship than friendship. And while I would argue now that relationships wihout friendship cannot possibly reach intimacy, I cannot possibly just call what we had friendship.
I hear this song and it fills me with that deliciously tense feeling of desire for someone that isn't allowed, and I think of her. It is sad and sexy and full of yearning, and if there is anything that queers do better than anybody else, it is yearn. She may not have been my girlfriend...I mean, I know she wasn't, but this really was my first instance of understanding that my sexuality was expansive, I wanted to have sex with women in similar...but ultimately different...if you know you know...ways that I wanted to have sex with men, and that mayb there is no going home again if you fuck your friends.
This song...oh my god. I don't have anyhing sexy to recount here, but this song drives me absolutely fucking bonkers.
Hozier's Movement
How is anybody supposed to function like a normal human being when this song exists? This song makes me want to have the hottest, steamiest affair in the world. The kind of thing that, long after I die, my children find letters from me to my forbidden lover that teeter between romantic, religious, and pornographic that make them clutch their chests ad go, "our mom was a stone cold sloot, bu she could get it. Damn." and then they have to spend tens of thousands in therapy to forget that their sweet mother gave voracious blowjobs to someone not their step dad.
I don't know what it is about Hozier, but this dude knows how to make fuck ballads. No sex ballads, FUCK ballads. I want to fuck illicitly when I hear this song. Not myy husband, nothing so common and allowed. I want to fuck someone in secret. In shame. In unadulerated, desperate need. Sweaty, vulgar, forbidden. The kind of sex that would crush everyone close to me, the kind of sexual affair that shatters families. This song is meant for a primal longing that spans eons. EONS.
We're at the penultimate song, and honest to god, I've had to stop several times to exclaim to Amber that I was a little too worked up and needed a break.
Glas Animals' Black Mambo
I don't really know how to explain why this song is so fucking sexy to me. Maybe it's just the entire vibe? Maybe I see Dave Bailey in this video and I'm like...yes please. Maybe it's a miz of both? There's a cheeky sensuality to this song that just says like...sticky, sweaty sex under a cabana.
And finally, here we are. The last song. I struggled to come up with song after knowing my first two immediately, and then I was flooded with songs and I was like, WE NEED TO DO MORE THAN 5!
But Amber has finished her blog before me....again...and I feel guilty. Now, I am not rushing like I did last time, but I am still taking forever, and I still feel kind of bad about it. But here we are. Last song.
Muse's Undisclosed Desires
I am relatively certain that I stayed with Allen for far too long. I've spoken about staying with him longer than I truly wanted to because I really did love him, but our romantic love had worn out its welcome ad had changed into something wholly platonic. I have defind myself as "checked out" for about a year ad a half before ACTUALLY breaking up with him, and it's accurate.
When I worked at Action Appliance as the office manager, one of my weekly tasks was to do the bank drop. I walked into the bank one day, and the teller who helped me was just absolutely fucking GORGEOUS. So gorgeous that I was nervous to talk to him. Did I look ok, did I smell ok, if I flirted would he think I was ugly and laugh at me, or would he feel it, too? One weekly bank drop turned into two. I did chat him up. He DID feel it too. I would put on outfits especially for him on days I ha to go to the bank...my ighest skirts, my most low cut shirts, and my highest heels. I walked ino the bank hoping I looked like a sex kitten, and I lived for making him blush.
Amber and I used to blog together, way way back. I had a weekly section of my blog called Wicked Wednesday, and I featured my scandalous wantings as vaguely as I could in that blog, for fear of Allen reading it and finding out I wanted to fuck some rando at the bank instead of him, but he never did.
Bank rando asked for my number once, it was actually he last time I ever saw him. I hadn't been lucky enough to have him as my teller, so I was annoyed that my sexy outfit was for almost nothing, but as I was leaving, he came out after me and asked if I wanted to hang out with him during his break. I had to get back to work, but yes, yes I did want to do that. About three minutes into him lighting his cigarette, he was like, I probably shouldn't do this, but would i be ok if I asked you for your number? I told him it absolutely would be ok, he said he had to go back inside to grab his phone, he had fogotten it, and then he...just...never came back out. My office moved to a location across own unexpectedly literally over that weekend, and it didn't make any sense for me to go back to his bank. I didn't personally bank there, so I never went back. I've wondered if he thought that like, I actually was repulsed by his ask and I left the state to get away from him? I wonderd if he thought about me any more after that. In my secret little self centered heart, he pined after me for ages, dreaming of the sex we coud have had, and this song made me think of him the second I heard it.
It isn't like I still lust after him, I have long forgotten what he looks like, and he was really little more than a notice that I was so done with my relationship that I was ready to cheat. And I did cheat on Allen, a day bfore I broke up with him. I wen up to FoCo and stayed with my friend Matty, we had sex all fucking weekend, and I immediately went home and told Allen we were done, and it had been a long time coming. I listened to this song the entire two hour drive home, on repeat, and I didn't feel remorseful or guilty, I felt emboldened and sexy. I fucking love this song.
Alright. There they are. The six sexiest songs I have on my playlist.
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