At my count this afternoon, I have nine blogs. NINE. I only write in one now, mostly they're all ghosts of the versions of me that are long...or not so long...gone. About a week ago, Amber was talking about wanting to get into journaling, but struggling with it due to not quite caring for the activity. So I was like, hey. I love blogging, I can be your accountability buddy, let's blog together three times a week. She loved the idea, so we're going to start tomorrow (tomorrow as I write, obviously).
As I started looking forward to this, I thought about other things I could do this year to both be present with people in my life, and maybe utilize to pull me out of my two plus year funk. I've really just kind of melded into this depressive state, and even now, on a day that I feel mostly ok, it is looming all around me. Since quitting my job, my depression has waterfalled into something wholly new, and I think the only way I've managed it thus far is knowing that I just don't have the space to fall the fuck apart the way I want to, my kids need me, my husband needs me, and I just...can't. Coming back full circle, I'm kind of hoping that connecting with people close to me is one way of working through this shit, so I didn't want to stop that with Amber.
I told my kids that we'll start having two nights a week where we have an art night. We'll all draw together, listen to some music, maybe have tea or cocoa, and just vibe together while we create things.
I have come up with a pretty good way of randomizing how the topic of the day is chosen, I think. Over the last few months, I have been curating a board of pins for things to draw with the kids, things to paint with the kids, just creative stuff to do with them when I daydream about having kids who are interested in spending time wih their mom, unlike my kids who can't seem to be bothered most of the time (which is no to say I do not value the times they DO choose to hang out with me. I love when Rhyann wants to chat with me, just us, early in the morning before Alex wakes up, and I love chatting with Alex when we take our walks together). Derek and I have lots of tub nights, usually one a month AT LEAST, and we tub together for hours, listening to music, chatting, doing a crossword together. But lately I've been feeling like there's this nagging distance between us, so I started pinning a whole bunch of these dumb questions to ask a partner things on pinterest for Derek and I to chat about in the tub. We had a pretty fun time with them during our last tub last weekend, but they were the inspiration for me to find better pins for Amber and I to use as blog prompts. For each activity, a person will be asked to choose a number between one and however many pins are on the board, then another number will be chosen for however many prompts are on that pin, and that's how the prompt for the day will be chosen. There is also a number randomizer I can use, but I don't see that as necessary. Maybe the rest of my collaborators will, though, so I will offer it as an option.
For journaling with Amber, we've already discussed that we will have a boozy drink ogether, video chat, and listen to music. Which delights me, I do not get to see my bestie enough. For the kids, I want to give all of us a chance to pick the music we like to listen to while we draw, but I also know that two of my three family members have music that I find disruptive to my brain circuitry and I do not think I want to give anybody that space. I need to find a way around that, because I don't want to hog everything, but I also do not want to listen to anybody's music. Maybe if I sell it as this is mostly something I'm having everybody do FOR ME, hen I can get away with choosing the music? I'm no even going to pick anything super interesting, just lofi shit.
So.
As a person who has come to love documenting journeys, I knew I wanted to keep track of all of these things...mostly because I love and value the people close to me as hard as I possibly can, so keeping a log of all of the things we do together feels like saving a little sliver of that to reflect back on when I'm in the worst of the worst of funks. I don't think these belong in my regular blog, though, so I am dedicating a separate blog for all of these activities.
I also want to get back into working out as hard as I was two years ago. My morning routine used to be waking up, chugging a glass of water, cycling for 45 minutes, lifting weights for 30-45 minutes, and ending with a quarter mile walk with a weighetd vest and ankle weights every hour, on the hour, unless weather did not permit. I feel like getting away from that has had the biggest impact on my interiority, mostly because I struggle to find value in myself if I am not giving a great deal of effort to making myself socially hot. At the beginning of my funk, I stopped working out because I just didn't have the fucking energy, and it was a slog to be alive. But now, two years in, I am hoping that giving that energy again...however misguided the intentions behind in large part may be...will pull me from its clutches. So I think I want to use this as my accountability measure, as well. End each blog with whatever exercises I've done that day, my macros if need be, and MAYBE my measurements, even though my hatred of my body is so profound that the very idea of doing that like I did when I started keto in 2018 feels like an exercise in abuse (even though I think I am overall smaller and thinner than I was at the start of being keto). I will think about it, I am currently mapping out my routines...I thrive on scripts...and I will debate the merits of posting those things while I figure it all out. I plan on starting my new assault on my physical soul sack on December 30th.
My quiet fear is that what I am ACTUALLY doing is starting a blog to commemorate a litany of failures and let downs. I told the fam dam that this was something I wanted to do with them: Rhyann responded with what I read as excitement, Alex responded with aggravated acceptance, and Derek responded with a noncommital shrug. Amber was (is, currently) very excited to get this underway. I say this with the most love in the world for all parties involved: I am fully expecting every single person to let me down and not commit to doing this, and for me, that feels like such a lack of care and love for what I am both committing my time to and saying I need from people. I love Amber more than anything, almost more than I love my children, she is my soulmate....but she is a flake. I stat that as a neutral adjective, it is just something that is. My children and husband are self-involved. We all are, I do not xempt myself from this, especially as I know I am railing about people letting me down when I am telling them what I want and need, and at some point, MY want and need will step on their toes in some way. I will feel let down and unloved when that happens, no matter what the circumstance. Amber has a family of her own, my children have lives of their own, my husband has hobbies of his own. Maybe the framing of missing out on days as failures shows my view on those around me, but I feel lik I can also say I have felt failed by these people before when I've asked for something, been told something was doable, and then it hasn't been done. Reasonable excuses or otherwise, I am very skeptical that, at the end of next year, I won't have partners in these activities, it will be more me than anybody else.
Maybe that's ok, I'm not sure. And I think I want to do these things by myself if everybody else flakes on me, because I really DO want to hold some softness, creativity, and growth in my hands. I tell my kids that we are not meant to struggle alone all the time, we build community with those around us, even the people we don't like or understand. I don't want to give in to individualism, and I want to nurture the creative side of me more. I do plan on doing all of hese by myself if I am flaked on, and I think I want to measure that, too. It is entirely possible that my current feeling of people letting me down is built up in my head, and the truth of the matter is I am just feeling sorry for myself and everybody shows up for me all the time. So I think I'll make that another metric I keep track of to check in on at the end of the year. Then I can attack people's character with raw fuckin' data, baby. Hooray for science!
My keyboard on my laptop sucks a whole fucking bunch. So many of my letters are stuck, so I miss lettters, and sometimes I overcompensate and I will have extra letters. I cannot keep feeling embarrassed by his, mostly because I refuse to do anything about it (namely clean my keyboard). I will just look like I am a horrible speller and typist. Consider this the warning and also the I Don't Care statement.
Metrics I am currently looking at keeping tabs on:
Did I do the activity alone or with intended partners? What intended partners joined me/why did others not join? What was the activiy? What was the activiy prompt? I want to post the pictures when the fam dam and I draw something together, and of course he blog entry itself will serve as the activity showing for Amber and I. What did I drink with Amber? What physical acivities did I do that day? I am debating on keeping track of my macros and measurements at the start of each week. I found that did keep me VERY honest and on track for four years (thanks, eating disorder and body dysmorphia!), so I am inclined to start that again just to keep my shit in line. I'll add more things as I think of them, but I think this pretty much covers everything.
Alright. Off we go tomorrow!
